Sink or Swim

The Story Board

Do you know that part of any story when the protagonist feels like things are going smoothly and then something tragic happens that turns things around? For example: After a huge struggle with being plucked out of his home and away from his dad, Nemo triumphantly gets out of the fish tank--- but still finds himself lost in the deep blue sea.

Taking a few steps back to our high school literature classes, let us recall the basic elements of a story:

1) Setting- The place in which a story is set.
2) The Character(s) - The individual/s that are part of the story.
3.) Plot- The sequence of events that happen in a story.

As the story unfolds the plot develops and gets more colorful because of:

•  Conflict- The main problem in the story. This could be a quarrel or battle. It could be some inner struggle within the person himself. Or even barriers that have to be overcome in order to obtain some goal.

Just so we're on the same page, today's focus will be on THIS story. Our setting is here and now. Character(s) of the story would include me and everyone who is responsible for helping/keeping me from achieving the plot of this story which is-- to make my own Happiness Project successful. Now we move deeper into the plot and I shall introduce to you my Conflict. That's exactly where my story is. That's exactly where Nemo was-- facing ANOTHER struggle after overcoming his previous one. 

SINKing Slowly

It began with a leak in our sink the other day. (Yes, this is literally about the sink)I was on my way to work on a Saturday and Mr. P was scheduled to have our sink checked by the plumber. My sister and I have been so busy the past weeks, we failed to have the leaked fixed right away. About to head to the shower, I noticed that a colony of ants were invading my counter! Oh the horror! There were so many of them, I had goose bumps all over trying to squirt them away with insect repellent. In the middle of the commotion, Mr. P arrived and saw the mess: a puddle of brownish sink water on my floor and a swarm of ants on my counter. In a flash he picked up a rag and mopped up the chaos. We had a spat while he was at it-- arguing about the upkeep of fixtures in our house and my cleaning schedules, etc.

I mentioned previously that Mr. P and I are like fire and ice at times-- one being the extreme opposite of the other. We bicker about our different ideologies and methods as much as we praise and thank each other for unconditional love. It was then that Pandora's box was opened and all hell broke loose. I was upset, seriously upset that I caused him distress and inconvenienced him for asking him to help me with the sink. I felt like I was in high school again-- unable to control my temper and being bratty about my own mistakes. He had his own views about things and I had mine. I won't get into the details of what were said that day, but in a nutshell-- it was a domestic dispute.

In the "Happiness Project", Gretchen Rubin mentioned that one step to be happy is to pay attention to long overdue tasks. For me, it was cleaning my house. I spent the whole afternoon cleaning and clearing things in my house, eager to prove that I was capable of taking care of my own concerns and making sure that everything was done right. I spent 6 hours scrubbing, disinfecting, throwing out unnecessary articles, and sweating my ass off. I knew I was wrong to be so upset by such petty disputes, but cleaning seemed like the best release at that moment. For every nook and cranny that I reached, I felt like I was a step away from proving that I could do things on my own-- at my own time and pace. I felt like I could prove to myself that I owned that space and that I knew best how to address it. After all, it was MY home and it was my choice how to fix it. 

When I was done, my sister arrived and I just cried my eyes out in front of her. I told her what happened to me that day and I discovered that my only issue wasn't the sink-- there were so many things that I was upset about that just ballooned and burst at the same time my pipes gave up on me. I was scared about moving to a new place in search of a better future. I was worried about not being able to save enough for my trip and to keep our house. I was heartbroken that a family member is facing another difficulty. These are issues that have been swirling inside me-- and I haven't been able to properly acknowledge my being hurt and scared because I have been too busy pushing myself to be positive and trying to remain in a calm disposition-- as what is ideally the point of being happy.

My sister reminded me that being happy is not all about feeling good. It is also about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right. I love how my sister is able to keep my chin up. It's embarrassing how older I am in age, but I feel like my sister (who is years younger) is more mature in nature.  She has always been my guru. In that moment, she allowed me to feel. She allowed me to acknowledge my weakness and realize that all the negativity should be channeled into something positive. I was happy to hear it from her that she was proud that my outlook has changed drastically compared to my pessimistic state not-so-long-ago. She reminded me that God does not give challenges to people who cannot overcome it.

Yes, being sad or mad or frustrated is part of the process.

I felt like I was 10 lbs heavier after that talk. My eyes were as puffy as marshmallows and my nose was as red sa Rudolf's but that didn't matter. I'm just glad I had the chance to let it all out.

Mingling & Margaritas

That night, Mr. P and I kissed and made up. (Hohoho) We had a night out with my high school friends and it was so much fun. My friend S excitedly reported that she was starting on her own happiness project and she showed me a list of things she'd like to do before she got married this year. Like me, she has been dying to have a change of perspective. I even egged her to read my blog for an added push. I'm glad that she's well on her way to achieving what she has set out to do. It began with a drastic haircut and the perseverance to watch Katy Perry in concert! Haha.

That night we also got reunited with an old classmate who now spins in a hip haunt in Ortigas. He filled us in on details about his own trials and triumphs the past years here in the metro-- about finding his own means to survive and prove to his parents that he was capable of making it big on his own. He was a beacon of hope to me. His positivism and drive were so inspiring-- I got more excited about living my dreams and taking more risks. 

Because of them, I am remined I'm on the right track. Margarita nights have never been this enlightening.

The Adventure Continues

This weekend has definitely been a learning experience. Quoting my favorite Broadway musical Fantasticks, the character El Gallo sings "without the hurt, the heart is hollow".

The important lesson that I learned from all these is that when we fall, we just have to dust off the debris, and pick up where we left off.

The happiness project continues.

Awesome Two-some

I still feel butterflies in my stomach after reading through old blog entries and seeing old photos of/about/from Mr. P. It's our second year anniversary today and I am reminded that I'm so blessed!

Mr. P and I have an interesting relationship. He's a line and I'm a squiggle. We're both crazy but in different proportions. He can keep to himself most of the time, while I-- on the other hand, can draw so much attention to myself it's insane! He's a gaming geek and I'm an artsy fartsy freak. Haha. We're so different but we're so alike in many ways unknown to people. 

The Good Ole Laya Days

We were in the same college football org-- Laya FC. (yes, I used to play football. yes. when I "tried" to be sporty!) but we rarely spoke to each other then. He was a senior and I was in my sophomore year when I was an applicant. He was always "Kuya Jec" to me-- the lanky engineering dude with braces whose trivia for the sig sheet was that he loved M2M to death! I remember having him sign my sig sheet as an applicant and asked if it was true. He just gave me a smile and said "yes". I bit my tongue, trying not to cough a laugh in front of him as not to be so rude. Haha.

Throughout college, our relationship was purely civil. We'd just nod at each other in acknowledgement when we'd meet each other around campus. Smile at each other after football trainings at Sunken Garden. We had separate lives-- he had his own world and I had mine. 

One of my most vivid memories of him was when he brought his guitar to the tambayan one day. I was on my way to the field when I saw him and his then girlfriend spending "quality time". He was playing for her-- and she looked extremely kilig. I told my friend M, "Sana ako rin may harana2x level! Swerte naman ni Ate K". Then I went on my way, not knowing that in 6 years I'd be the luckier one.

I was always knew of him as a bystander-- having second hand information about the developments of his life. Listening to stories about him in passing. I heard of his heartbreaks through friends over a game of summer football. I found out about his stint with social dancing during a random dorm dinner with my good friend (his then dance tutor) E. I discovered that he went to work in Spain for some time through Friendster. 

Feeling sporty with the Laya girls (that's me on the far right).
Hello blog friend Ate Rac (2nd to the leftt)!

There's a story behind this photo. Oh Carmelle, we hated this moment! Haha. 

Mr. P (far right) during the Laya 80's-themed party

Rare moment: Me & Mr. P in the same photo in college!

Buzz!

Many years of adventures, heartaches, and graduations passed-- and I find myself getting a surprise that would change my life forever.

It was one of those boring nights online sometime in 2009. I went back to CDO after graduation. I was in a conference with my girlies while stalking people on Tumblr and Facebook when someone called "thejoketh" popped on  my screen. He said hello and introduced himself. It was "Kuya Jec" asking me how I was and that my friends told him I was the best person who could help him learn how to speak in Bisaya.

Random. 

So we did have tutorials. I taught him grammar and a lot of kabastusan. Haha. It was fun. I enjoyed being his teacher and he was a really inquisitive student. He even wrote down our lessons on a special notebook. In-between lessons we'd talk about work--we'd catch up about everything and anything that happened during that day. I talked about my students, he talked about the Cat Lady in his office. We complained about taxes together, and I even joked about us staging a fake marriage & adopting kids together just so our taxes would go down. Little did I know that one day we'd find ourselves talking about the real thing.

As time passed, I looked forward to our daily conversations online. One night when my mom was shooing me from the computer because it was late, I had to cut short our conversation and said "Text Text!" I really didn't think that was serious... but he texted. Fortunately we still had the same numbers from college. I still laugh at the thought that his name in my phone book was  "Laya. Kuya Jec".

Then the rest is history! haha.

I love prank jejetexting him!

Across the Miles

It was such a joy getting to know him. So many years have passed since we last saw each other. We got to know each other more through daily doses of random questions from the most bizaare (how many moles do you have?) to the most embarassing (have you ever pooped in class when you were a kid?). Those kept us entertained. As the months progressed we found ourselves excited over each other's messages and "Good Mornings". He'd wake me up at 6:00 AM everyday during weekdays so I wouldn't be late for class. We'd spend long hours on the phone and on some days I'd read him the best & worst essays my students wrote in the exam papers. We'd debate about PBB and exchange thoughts about foodie finds we chanced upon within the week. We'd also spend some time exchanging doodles on YM-- I then discovered that he's an amazing artist. My doodles don't stand a chance!

A phlegmy doodle he made of my favorite Power Puff girl Buttercup!

Mr. P's version of Fifi vs. Mine. 

Things were dreamy but the sad part was that we were islands apart! It was tough at first-- giving in to doubts about the distance (having been in numerous long distance relationships that failed) and succumbing to loneliness because we don't really know when we'd get to see each other. 

But this one's different. I love Mr. P because he always finds a way. 

We both found ways to close the gap and make each other feel loved despite the distance. We sent each other care packages whenever we could-- full of love and quirky notes on post its. I thank LBC for being a valuable part of our relationship! Haha. 

He made my Moleskine wish come true!

Mr. P's very practical when it comes to gifts. In 2009 he gave me a tooth brush
& a fun new toy that made him MY Mr. Polaroid.:)

When he became such a gym rat, I sent him a set of GMTs (Good Morning Towels)
& dared him to use it at the GYM. Guess what? He did!

Something for his HK trip.

He also started writing again on Tumblr! I would read his adventures and his declarations of love (asus) through his posts-- and I would do the same. We agreed to ALWAYS find ways to stay connected.

It was a while before it became official because things felt too good to be true. I had my own frustrations about not being able to be there for him all the time-- the downfall of my previous relationship. I didn't know when I was going back to Manila and I knew he wouldn't consider moving elsewhere. But as I said, Mr. P always finds a way.

When we made it official, he flew out to meet me and my family. Aside from photos and video conferencing, it would be the first time in YEARSSSSS that we'd be seeing each other. I felt like I was a mail order bride! Haha. I felt like Mr. P was the foreigner visiting our little city to come meet my family and ask for their permission to take me with him to the city. Shet! Haha. Anobezzz. 

He cringed when he saw me holding this card at the airport. Haha.

He was a brave soldier. It was his first time to fly all the way to Mindanao. He gamely had cake and beer with my high school friends, impressed my Mamita by conversing with her in Spanish, wowed my mom and cousins with the goodies he brought, drank some more with my uncles, gamely answered their interrogations, and even drank Soup # 5 with them! Ha-ha.

The first few months of the relationship was all about planning trips, making countdowns (his countdowns were more discreet) to seeing each other, taking note of things to do with each other normal things to do during the next trip (our lists included "holding hands while crossing the street", "having a date at a fast food chain", or "watch movie together). We only saw each other for such short times during those trips that it was crazy to cram in all the normal things that couples would do.

The Countdown Calendar!

But things changed for us when one of our goals-- which was to BRING CZARINNA BACK TO MANILA finally became a reality in early 2010. I moved back to the metro and became neighbors! Hooray! Ever since then, everyday has been such an amazing adventure. 

There were so many things I couldn't do when we were apart-- and now there are things that I don't do anymore but I'm happy that they're that way.

I don't have to wear a headset if I want to talk to him for a long time.

I don't have to wonder how it would feel like to hug him after a long day at work.

I don't have to imagine how great it would be to have food trips and have cook offs with him.

I don't have to check his Tumblr just to see his smile.

I don't have to wait for 30 or more days before I get to see him.

Our countdowns to see each other may be over.... but the ultimate countdown has begun. (and soon you will find out what that is) 

I'm a very luck girl. 

Happy anniversary my wuffle! :)

The Happiness Project

On a random excursion to Fully Booked in Boni High Street, my sister and I bought a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I just read the first pages of the book (because my sister stuffed it in her bag the next day) but it already sounds very promising. The first important insights that is 1) We create our own happiness and 2) You can be happy NOW.

Gretchen Rubin is awesome! 

I have yet to finish reading through this bubbly book and I'm very excited to learn more about maximizing the little things of everyday to feel happy. This book is such a timely find because both my sister Sassja and I have swore to ourselves that we WILL make 2012 better and brighter. I was so amused when I read that she started her own happiness project on Tumblr!  

The past year was tumultuous and for us there is no way else to go but up. The insights from the book is in sync with the realizations that I've had last year. 

The Unhappy Accounts

I've always had short-fused temper and I ranted more than I raved about life. The past years haven't been exactly how I wanted it to be. After graduating from college, the road towards "greatness" has been a whirlwind of highs and lows. I was constantly angry at the world for being unfair-- for postponing my dream to work in the big bad metro/ granting misfortunes to my family members/ letting my heart get crushed one to many times/ the ill-gotten wealth of other people/ insensitive people/ people who cut lines/ being overworked and underpaid/ and  opportunities that never come.

After a horrific transition phase, I flew back to Manila and joined the corporate world. I felt like I was finally on the right track and that things would be better. I always dreamed of joining the world of meetings, events, business cards, working lunches, and reports. My parents have been in the corporate scene ever since their own graduations from college. Growing up and seeing them busy and looking so smart in their suits and phones always made me want to be like them-- but I never thought it would be more toxic than it already seemed. Though I can say I've been doing a good job at making reports in less than an hour,  conceptualizing/implementing events from scratch, building networks and building their networks, have mastered the art of giving impressive presentations, and have accustomed myself to wearing office clothes (but never liked wearing pumps!) I still HATE the corporate world with a passion. I hate it because it's a thankless industry and you will only be as good as your last event/project. Worse, people who do well will always be the only people who bosses dump work on-- always. 

The Big Shift

A few months ago I found myself lying flat on my bed, agonizing about the world (again) and feeling like I've had enough of the crap that I was taking. I abhorred my work, the people I work for, the people I work with, and the lack of values in the system. I was crying because I was upset that there was so much that I could do for a better cause. I felt like a volcano was about to explode inside of me-- anger gushing out of my nostrils.

I was so upset, I started crying my eyes out-- I bawled like a loon alone in my apartment. I cried so much that I couldn't even breathe. 

When I got tired of crying, I started to pray.

I prayed like I've never prayed before in my entire life. I pray everyday-- but on that day I was pleading to God. I was pleading for my life. 

I prayed for acceptance. Acceptance for things that I cannot change and things that I can still change. Acceptance of the situation that I am in and of my role in it. 

I prayed for compassion. My friend Aila, who has been a beacon of hope and positivism-- always tells me that  in order to address your frustrations about people and situations is to show compassion. You give yourself love. You pray for other people who are hardened by their ill ways. You honor your suffering as you honor theirs. 

I prayed for a renewed life. 

And then I slept... (haha. anti-climactic)

When I woke up I felt like I had a new outlook to life. I felt like I drained all the pain I had inside-- years of struggle and disappointments.

I woke up with a different sense of urgency to CHANGE my situation and to TAKE ACTION. I decided to MAKE THINGS BETTER despite my given circumstance. I decided to LIVE again.  

But mind you, keeping things that way is no easy feat. Things don't magically or radically change overnight. It's a process. It's a continuing process that involves a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had to learn how to eliminate the ill thoughts by continuously purging these emotions in silence. 

I learned to value silence.

I learned to value holding my tongue.

I learned how not to obsess with pessimism.

I learned how to say "NO" to myself.

I learned to value myself more.

My Happiness Project 

In the past months I have realized that my work nor my failures do not define who I am-- in fact, I am supposed to be the one who defines WHO I really am. 

And this blog is who I am. 

I have vowed to write again and to share my own discoveries about the little things, the everyday things, that make life more colorful. That's who I am-- appreciative of the little wonders of life. I've always admired people who can just go out and do things that they know they CAN do that can make a difference. 

My good friend Fonzi has been such an inspiration in being a mover for Sendong relief operations especially in Davao. He was amazed at himself as well for being able to move mountains to help our hometown. In one of his tweets, he said:

I think that's definitely something to ponder on. We look for so many people to move us-- but the only people who should move us would be ourselves. Much like what Mahatma Gandhi said:

 "Be the change you want to see in the world"

Everyday is a challenge to be happy, to make things better, to make every moment significant. 

This is my happiness project, what's yours? :)